Blog Block

I've sort of hit a 'blog block' the last few days. Perhaps I'm simply adjusting to summer schedule without the usual structure school provides. If I've missed some of your posts, I apologize. I know I get anxious when I don't see comments on my blog. But, please know I'm trying to read but I can't always comment right now. That's pretty lame, isn't it?

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My family and I are going to visit my grandparents for a few days. It's hard to say how Grandpa is doing without actually being there with him. I seem to get conflicting reports from one day to the next. Sometimes I hear he's doing well, going to Mass, checking on his chickens, and even going to the casino. Other times I hear he's in bed more and eating less. I think the pneumonia is gone. Nobody really knows how far the cancer has progressed and nobody is looking for that answer.

This weekend is my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary. I know my Grandma was anxiously dreading that Grandpa wouldn't be with us to celebrate this milestone. I'm grateful they've officially made it. Sixty years! They didn't marry young either. That always strikes me for some reason. They certainly weren't old when they married. But, in that era, people married quite young. He was about 32 and she was about 26. And, they had ten kids despite their 'late' start!

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I attended my third or fourth Compassionate Friends meeting this week. The group I attend is wonderfully accepting and caring. I cried this week as I shared that I oftentimes feel like an impostor grieving for E. The outside world seems to need reminding that my daughter died and that's partly why I'm not entirely functional these days. The outside world wants a bigger reason than that. It's as if the outside world views pregnancy as simply a condition, much like having a skin condition. "Oh, yes. She used to have acne. Now she doesn't. It went away." The outside world is moronic. What does the outside world think created the 'condition' of pregnancy? Apparently, the outside world doesn't realize it's a baby that even makes the word pregnancy possible. The outside world doesn't grasp why I would grieve over losing my 'acne.'

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Last week, after receiving O's blood test results, I felt relieved. I've never been so happy to be crazy or stupid or hyper vigilant. I got the results in the mail today along with our doctor's brief note summarizing our phone conversation. He pointed out the slightly elevated glucose level and reiterated we'll simply test O again in a year or more.

As I reviewed the results, I noticed another part of the test that was outside the normal range. Our doctor didn't discuss this one. He typically would tell me that even though something appears abnormal, it's benign because of this or that. But, he said nothing. There's even a little star by the abnormality, indicating it's outside the reference range.

I feel a bit like I'm back at square one with this. Again, I'm hopeful I'm crazy. Or stupid. Or hyper vigilant. I'll call the doctor tomorrow.