Under the Tree

I've been feeling rather depressed today. Perhaps it's the news moron doctor delivered. Perhaps it's the absence of my thyroid. Perhaps it's that I feel unbalanced. Mostly, I think it's that I miss E. I was supposed to be hospitalized with a newborn baby this month -- not hospitalized without a baby and without a thyroid.

I thought by devoting a bit of time to E and reconnecting to her, I might regain a sense of balance. Thus, I've chosen to participate in Carly's Under the Tree. Thank you, Carly. I love you.

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby?

We have a large walk-in closet that houses an armoire. The top drawer in the armoire is reserved for E. Currently, its contents include cards, pictures, notes, art about E from my other children, a CD which was played at another stillborn baby's memorial service (my neighbor is the mom's best friend), and other mementos. Perhaps the most endearing object is the blanket E was wrapped in after she was born. I found it in the laundry basket in my hospital room the day I was discharged. It still held the imprint of E's body and blood. I would never forgive myself had I not taken it with me. I silently put it into my bag without permission.

I need to organize E's things. I've yet to complete all the thank you cards. I haven't opened the drawer for a long time. I'm so very protective of its contents, that I fear disturbing her memory. I hope to find the courage to face it all soon. I think doing so will be difficult, yet healing.

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby? Have you ever felt her presence? Do you find her in nature? Does she visit you in your dreams?

I absolutely believe in an afterlife. I believe in Heaven. I believe Mary, the mother of Jesus, watches over my baby. I daydream about E and my beloved dog, H, who died about ten months before E. I imagine the two of them sitting near a slow moving river, with a blonde curly haired E tossing sticks into the water for my precious lab, H.

After losing E, I noticed butterflies. I'm not a 'rainbows and butterflies' kind of person, so this stood out in my mind. My eldest child started wearing jeans for the first time in four or five years -- only jeans with butterflies. Most of her artwork included butterflies. Butterflies seemed to jump out at me everywhere I went.

My most recent butterfly experience is quite profound. A little over two weeks ago, I felt a lump on my neck, directly below the Madonna and Child necklace I wear in memory of E. As my blog explains in more detail, I discovered I have thyroid cancer. The thyroid is a butterfly shaped gland. I know E is present.

My Madonna and Child necklace (my mother-in-law purchased it from Tiffany & Co. after I lost E):


Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby?

Psalm 139 really speaks to me, especially these verses:

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth.