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10.24.2009
A Year
OK. So here's the deal. My daughter, E, died sometime near October 30, 2008. E was born November 3, 2008. But I found out E had died on October 30. I went for a regular appointment, which included an ultrasound. I asked what her heart rate was. There was not one. No heart rate. Not one beat. I looked at the screen and E was in a perfect fetal position. I don't know why they call it that. I have three living children. Not one was ever in the fetal position during an ultrasound. The stillness. It haunts me. So I'm back. Back to blogland. I don't know that I can get through this on my own. How can it be a year already? It doesn't feel like a year. It feels like now. My own heart alternates between stopping and racing as I write these words. A year. It's just not possible.
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15 comments:
--I'm catching up...welcome back!
OM, my heart is hurting for you. In a season where others are enjoying crisp weather and autumn festivities, everything must be a stab-in-the-heart as a reminder of what you were anticipating this time last year.
YOU WILL MAKE IT!!! You ARE STRONG!
It's OKAY for you to have negative posts. It's OKAY if you feel like you don't have anything positive to say. We are here for you.
I will send extra prayers for you and your family this week. Losses hurt us forever...but I think anniversary weeks are especially though.
Thinking of you!!!
Hi Honey... The time goes by too quickly. In our hearts, not a single day has gone by.
Remembering E and thinking of you...
A year goes by so quickly. Thinking of you and your daughter, E. xo
I know what you mean...a year? The longest and shortest year of my life. Thinking of you.
OM, This isn't an easy time and when an anniversary creeps in everything can go mighty dark, it's particularly bad when you are having a tough time on the roller coaster as is.
You are NOT alone. Blog away, if that helps you, I'm certainly reading/hearing what you're saying and sending you lots of love and a big hug
xxoo Ines
It is so hard. It feels as though life, the world, everything, should have stopped when their tiny hearts did and yet all of it, life, time, everything, they just go on, without them. And it hurts like hell.
Marking the time with you.
xxoo
And you are not alone.
Reading your post, I'm reminded of my own situation. My daughter Kara died on June 4, 2008, and even today, 16 months later, I get pulled into the abyss with some regularity, and have a physcial reaction when I remember the moment I learned of her death (exactly as you had). I am thinking of you and and with you in my heart.
OM - I'm so sorry there aren't more answers for you. I will be thinking of you and your beautiful E this week.
Holding you in my thoughts and prayers. The year mark--and just prior to it--was a very tough time for me as well. I understand and would do anything to make it easier for you. Sending lots of love.
A year is so hard -- the anticipation is really a killer. Go easy on you, and remember you don't have to get everything "right" this time around in terms of what you do -- anything you do will be right.
As for the previous, I found myself taking a rather long break for no real reason either -- other than nothing to say. I don't think "negative" really qualifies in these parts -- it's just truth, and sometimes that hurts but it's good to get it out and dump it with people who understand.
I too am approaching the year mark and can not believe that time has just kept on going while my world stopped.
I will be thinking of you and E in the days to come.
Sending love...
A year is a long time and a blink of an eye, depending on what context you look at it. I wish it didn't hurt so much still. Thinking of you in the coming days.
Yes, those haunting memories are coming back after a year. There are some moments and images that are stuck, nothing has changed in a year in some ways. I have been thinking about you and E a lot this week.
Welcome back to blogland.
I am so sorry for your loss, and sorry you are facing this milestone. My thoughts are with you today.
I can COMPLETELY identify. I still have flashbacks from Cameron's last ultra sound- and she too was in the fetal position- completely still. I have flashbacks from the delivery, from everything. It makes it near unbearable to have those images haunting you day and night. I have been keeping you in my prayers OM- you got me thru some of my roughest days shortly after Cam's death. I want you to know that there are so many of us to help you with the anniversary of E's. XOXOX
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