O

I've been debating whether or not to post about my most current worry, partly because I suppose I'm superstitious and in the back of my mind there's a little creature whispering things like "Don't say it out loud. It'll make it true." But, my rational side says that I need to get this out there. I'm holding so much inside my soul and my mind is troubled. Another reason I hesitate to post about my most current worry is that I fear you'll suspect me of Munchhausen by proxy or at least some lessor form of neuroses. While I realize most of the events in my life this past year have been out of my control, somebody in real life actually did jokingly say, "It's like you have Munchhausen's or something." Yep. Or something.

Here's the deal. I think O is sick. My husband and I haven't said the word out loud, but I'm pretty sure he's thinking the same as I. I think he has leukemia. Call me crazy. Seriously, I'd probably feel better if I were simply crazy. After all, how could one more thing possibly go wrong in this house? And, maybe it is my overactive baby loss mind playing tricks on me. But the thing is, I've been right before. I knew I had cancer. I just did. I didn't know where, but I knew it was somewhere in my body.

Today, O did eat. Very little. But, he ate. That's saying something, considering he hasn't eaten more than half an apple or a small piece of chicken for roughly a week. We put food in front of him, he says he isn't hungry, and he doesn't ask for snacks. He just doesn't eat. We're going to the doctor today. When O went to his well-child appointment two weeks ago, his doctor noted O had lost weight. I'm curious what the scale will read today.

O is pale, his eyelids are heavy, and his eyes are glassy. He develops random spots all over his body, like little bumps on his ankles and bumps on his face. He's constantly asking what I think this or that bump is on his body.

What perhaps scares me most are O's 'visions.' Yesterday, he said he saw the light of God. He tried showing it to L who couldn't see it. He talks about E more than any of us, constantly pointing out that she should come to the doctor with us, she should go on a walk with us, etc., etc. He also talks about H, our sweet 'baby' dog who died a year and a half ago. The way he talks about them, it's as though he can feel them. He builds little monuments in our yard for E and H, specifying what each of them likes.

O has always been a sweet boy, telling me frequently how much he loves me. But past few days he seems to put more emphasis on the words while looking directly into my eyes. It's something I cherish, but it seems particularly important to him right now.

Last night O, L, and I went to the library so L could read to the dogs (Seriously, she read to an Airedale dog). While L read, O and I looked at books and talked. I asked him if anything on his body hurt while I touched his tummy and joints throughout his body. He said nothing hurt. But, when my husband and I awoke in the middle of the night both worrying about O, my husband said that when O was going to bed he said, "OK. You can take me to the doctor." O said this without any prompting. The little dude is intuitive.

So, there it is. I put it out there. I hope and pray more than anything that I am absolutely wrong this time.