My Reality

This blog is my first. While it started simply as a way to connect to other moms and see how they do things, its initial purpose never manifested itself. I didn't actually start writing the blog until months later, when I lost E. After hour upon sleepless hour searching for answers to why the baby I carried in my womb had died and how I could personally survive losing her, I returned to my skeleton blog and began to write.

For the most part, I've decided to remain anonymous on my blog. While every word and every experience I write about are true, I omit pictures of myself and my family that could reveal my identity to the real world. My husband knows about my blog and I sometimes mention to him specific topics I post about, but it seems he doesn't regularly read my blog. My husband is the only 'real life' person I've directed to it. I talk to him about other bloggers I read and I think that helps him feel we are not alone in this world of baby loss.

I haven't written too much about family or friends on my blog. I'm afraid I'll be discovered, that this space will no longer be my sanctuary. Sanctuary isn't really how I feel about my blog. Plug the words thyroid, cancer, and stillbirth into Google's blog search. There I am. The very first result. Thus, if any friends or family wonder if I have a blog and they know anything about Google . . . well, this isn't exactly a sanctuary.

I want to write more about my experiences with family, friends, strangers, my kids' teachers, etc., etc. But every detail I give brings me one step closer to revealing my identity. Perhaps I feel I've been burned too much or too often in the past, sharing so much of myself that people learn my every weakness and use that to hurt me. I've been able to 'hide out' fairly well in real life. I don't call attention to myself and I like to be left alone. If I start writing about the people who really piss me off and hurt me the most, I'll feel exposed. I'll be opening myself up to another attack, another battle I just don't want to endure.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about anonymity versus showcasing oneself. Oddly enough, a lot of these thoughts have to do with this show. I don't even have cable, TIVO, satellite, bunny ears, or any other mechanism enabling my TV to pick up any channels whatsoever. But, I do own a computer and I know how to use it! And, I'm not immune to tabloid magazines.

I don't get it. I'd like to say I'm not judging them, but my husband likes to point out that whenever somebody overly emphasizes something she does or does not do, chances are reality is quite the opposite. So fine, I'm judging them. I can't understand why anybody would put their children's safety into jeopardy by parading their images, their whereabouts, their schedules, their names, and their hobbies across the airwaves for all the world to see. Granted, I used to work with sex offenders and I'm often accused of paranoia. But still. Does every pedophile on the planet need full access into a child's bedroom . . . and bathroom, detailing every intimacy of potty training?

I think I'd understand this better if it were a completely fictional show with paid actors. (I know, much of the show is fiction. And, they are most certainly paid.) But, what we see on TV is a portrayal of innocent children's lives. The children have no control over this. They have no say in who gets to see them in their underwear, throw a tantrum, get disciplined, or watch their dad get hair plugs and their mom get a tummy tuck.

I've always felt incredibly protective of my children. I know what dangers the world holds. Why would I feed them to the wolves? Why would anybody take their most precious beings and wholly open their lives to the entire world? I just don't get it.

So, perhaps one day I'll write more about my family, my in-laws, my friends, etc. But, I think it's a safe bet that I'll never become a 'reality' TV star.

**Update**

I followed Shanti Mama's advice and changed my Settings so that my blog is no longer searchable by search engines. Although, the digital footprint may take some time to disappear from cyber space. :)
Thanks for the heads up, Shanti Mama!