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Her card said, "I got this angel for you because it reminded me of your little angel, E." I bristled when I read the part where she equated E with an angel. But, I said thank you. She asked if I liked it and I said, "Uh-huh. Yep." It was pretty obvious I wasn't happy with it, but I couldn't hide my emotional response. And, I didn't want to hurt her with my take on angels.
When I hear the word angel, my mind wanders to animated puffy clouds and cherubs alongside Precious Moments figurines. Another inescapable thought is the description of angels as God's messengers or attendants.
Perhaps this post will open up a theological debate of sorts. Perhaps I'm wrong in thinking that angels are not human. They are celestial beings. They were created to attend to humans, not to be human. Angels do marvelously amazing things for God and for humankind. They answer prayers. They protect, guard, and guide us. But, they are not human.
By calling my baby an angel, it feels like a slap in the face. It feels like one more instance where E's life is not acknowledged. It feels like I must once again explain that just like my living children, I carried E in my womb and I gave birth to her. I held her. I named her. I buried her. Is that something one does for an angel?
I take comfort in thinking angels take care of E, lovingly tending to her. I pray that all the angels and saints surround E with their love, just as they do for all of God's creatures.
I told my grandma that it bothers me when people call E an angel. My grandma lost one of her ten children in a construction accident about thirty years ago. I asked her if she thought of J as an angel. She said, "Absolutely not. " She told me that E is not an angel, she is a saint. E is above the angels and it is the angels' duty to care for her. I could not agree more.
This picture symbolizes how I envision the role of angels in my baby's life. I am grateful for their existence.
14 comments:
I know what you mean. I correct people when they call the babies angels. We say they are our little saints in heaven... not our angels. Like you, we ask the angels to watch over them. I try to say things in a loving way, but it's hard, depending on what other people say. At some point, I just try to accept a different view and move on, but it does bug me.
I really appreciate your candidness and description. I never really thought about "angels" before in this way.
I think sometimes people refer to loved ones who have died as "angels," because it is important to feel that there is a part of the people we've lost still with us here on earth. I always think of my deceased loved ones in more of a "spirit"-type sense. I like what you said about "saints" versus "angels." Great food for thought.
And the statue of the angel holding a baby...just lovely. :)
for me, I believe that angels come in all forms. I think that God sends special people into our lives when we need it most, I think of them as "Earth Angels", doing God's work here on earth.
I am going to disagree and say that I do think of my daughter (and all of my other family members who have died) as "spiritual angels" their human form no longer exists, but their spirit/soul lives on and blesses us in our lives in different ways.
When I hear saints, I think of the endless figures we had to memorize in CCD, and those who have suffered for their faith (don't ask me why, I have no idea). I like to think that my daughter did not suffer for God, that she was peacefully placed in his arms, and then was given wings to fly (according to my 4yo- you can't walk in heaven, you'd fall through the clouds! lol)
I guess I just think of an angel as a soul helping God in all things that are good and beautiful. I like to think that my daughter is helping God paint the sunsets, dancing in the breeze. For me, thinking of her as an angel is comforting. As we all know, this journey is a very unique to each of us, and we have to do what works for us.
Big hugs OM!
I could not agree more! Your DAUGHTER. My SON. Not angels.
I try to forgive people immediately when they refer to B.W. as an angel. I think for the most part they are basically saying he's my "sweetie", which yes, he is, as is my living son. But, do I expect that B.W. has taken on the form of an angel after death? - nope, not for one minute.
I am thankful there are angels taking care of our children.
AMEN!! I agree wholeheartedly! I believe that angels are not the same as those whose spirits are/were housed for a time in physical bodies. You are correct...angels are not carried in the womb, delivered, held, named, buried. Our daughters were. Huge difference.
I understand people use the term "angel" to describe someone innocent and pure. In that sense, our girls could be called angels, just like any newborn child. Obviously that is a very figurative use of the word. Anything more literal rubs me entirely the wrong way.
I could go on & on, but I'll spare you. Really, I would be unnecessarily repeating all that you wrote, and not doing nearly as beautiful a job as you did! I sincerely appreciate your heartfelt thoughts. I love your beautiful and respectful description of what angels really are. (((HUGS)))
Ditto Natalie and Gretchen. My inlaws do this too and it bugs the bejeezus out of me, although I try to remind myself of what I assume their meaning to be. IMO, it's pretty clear that angels are seperate and distinct beings and that our deceased loved ones are actually above the angels. It used to really bother me when people would confuse the two, but as time passes I'm relaxing a bit and am able to appreciate the sweet sentimate and imagry behind it. I think it comforts people to think of their babies as angles and, you know what?, if that's what helps them that's fine with me. At the same time, for some of us who are more literal it has the opposite effect :)
I totally agree, amen! sister. I love you and your perspective. Are you sure that we are not sisters seperated at birth? My mother doesn't get it either but she does at least understand about the angel thing but the loss and the grief and the freaking struggle, ugh, I guess, how can you get it unless you have been through it but what about empathy!!! Sending you my love!
I am not really into the angel thing either, but I have found it too hard a fight to fight. Everyone likes to think of our babies as angels. Perhaps it's easier to swallow that way. I accept it because I know it's well-intentioned, but I don't like it either.
I never thought of it that way but you're right. That is how I see angels too. To protect us and to hold our little ones close. I love how you can put things into words. You have a gift for being able to do that.
You know my mom and I have been having a rough time of late. It's nice to know other people have that problem too. Makes me not feel like a horrible daughter.
Thanks for your sweet comment on my blog. I think of you often and your precious E.
I didn't know that about the difference between angels and saints. Really I didn't. And I love knowing. And can I just say that I won't be debating it, because it makes perfect sense to me. Thank you. And the statue is just beautiful. Thinking of you xxx
"E is above the angels".
I love that.
I won't get into the angel debate, but I understand where your mother is coming from. Maybe she thinks she is one of God's precious beings. But I also understand your sentiment. She is so much more than that.
I lost my first child during labor at 41 weeks of pregnancy. I seem to be one of the few baby loss mamas who do not object to the word "angel" -- perhaps because I do not use the word in a religious manner. There is more than one meaning to the word angel, and it is often used as a term of endearment to describe someone of great beauty, someone near perfection, which is how I see my son. I know I am idealizing my son – and I don’t care. Babies are as close to perfection as possible when they are born, free of those pesky moral defects we all manage to pick up as we go through this life. It has never occurred to me that people would mean our dead babies are literally angels. For anyone who is Christian and believes in the existence of angels, then they know our babies cannot possibly be angels. Thankfully, no one has ever told me Nicolas is an angel, as in the first meaning of the word (a being created by God but seperate from humans). If they had done so and if they had tried to trivialize not only his life but his death in this manner, then I would certainly be offended.
wow... all this time I've commented about these special babies being angels and not once would I have ever considered how someone would see it this way. But your post is so eloquent... and a very real reminder that something that seems so innocent and meant in the most perfect way could still be so hurtful.
I collect angels... I'm not really all that devout in religion, but I believe in God and the possibilities that come with faith. But you're right... and I will be more thoughtful about what I post, though the sentiment is the same.
Wishes...
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