Mommy loses her marbles

I guess I hit my breaking point about an hour ago. I'm still shaking a bit from the sobbing. And my head hurts from trying to pull my hair literally out of my head.

I don't want to give the impression that I feel like this every moment of every day. But, when I said (more like screamed) "I just want to die. Please let me die", I meant it. Just an hour later, I take it back. I know I don't want to die. I just want this pain, this lack of energy, the disorganized thought processes, the inability to complete most any task to finally end. If sad and stressful events could just live in real time, and not continue to linger long after their occurrence, they'd be much easier for the body and mind to endure. But, they don't end when it looks like they end. They linger. The emotions, when you least expect them, just explode. Rational thought and attempts at optimism are thrown out the window.

As I write this, I'm tempted to say that I forgot about God in my moment of insanity. But, that's inaccurate. After all, who was I talking to when I requested death? For me, God is essential. I feel that moments when I forget that, all hell breaks loose. I'm resisting feeling guilty about that because I cognitively know I shouldn't. But, emotionally I feel that if I only relied on God more I wouldn't feel such sorrow. My children wouldn't have to see their mother lose her marbles.

Please say a few prayers for me and especially for my husband and children this weekend. It's funny. This morning, I thought to myself, "Wow. I'm doing pretty darn well. Whew. I sure am more functional than I was a few months ago." Then, the emotional shit hit the fan.