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Today, I sent this note to a friend who reads here. I thought I'd give you a glimpse of my 'real life', after losing E and receiving the cancer diagnosis:
I don't want to bring you down, but I've just been so effing depressed. I can't even cry it's so bad. E was supposed to be here in my arms. Instead, I got cancer. Yay. I don't care that it's the best cancer. It's cancer. And it fucking sucks. And I don't have a thyroid, so I'm exhausted. Yet, I can't sleep because of the hormone replacement. Plus, I dream about babies dying. So, I'm depressed. I know you can't do anything about that, but I just needed to say it. :(
We need to get our house and finances in line. Our roof leaks and we just got a new one. We used some deadbeat roofer. I need to get on the phone and let the guy have it, because it hasn't worked for my husband. Then, I suppose we'll need to sue. Just one more thing I don't want to deal with now. Everybody says we should call this roofer or that roofer, but we gave our deadbeat roofer all our money. We can't just go and pay another roofer.
You know, I just want E. I cannot replace her, no matter what happens. I just want to make sure that I realize that before getting pregnant. She was this perfect little baby with long legs that look just like L's, long fingers, and sweet little feet. It just isn't fair. I see those ridiculous posts that a friend makes about her fucking baby and I just want to kill her. Facebook is full of these perfect little lives where everybody is just so fucking happy. It's hard to bear at times.
I'm sorry I rambled. I actually cried a bit. But not enough. I just feel dead inside.
I began the layout for this blog in April 2008. I planned on blogging about life as an educated, intentionally unemployed stay-at-home mom. I never wrote a word. In November 2008, my fourth child was born still. Because I lost my precious baby girl, my blog specifically evolved into: life after losing a child to stillbirth. P.S. Four months later, add cancer to the subject matter.
About Me
- Mommy (You can call me OM)
- Stay-at-Home Mommy; Wife; Attachment Parenting Follower; Animal Lover; Daughter; Sister; Catholic; Yogi; Lawyer (according to the Bar Examiners, anyhow!); Perfectionist who can't even come up with a satisfactory description because it just MIGHT have an error
Life Events
Feb 1973
My mother gave birth to me
March 1996
Adopted our "first baby" - our dog, H
Jan 1998
My husband and I married
Jan 2002
I gave birth to my first child, L
July 2003
Adopted our cats, S & L2
Mar 2004
I gave birth to my second child, O
Sept 2006
I gave birth to my third child, N
Dec 2007
Our "first baby" - our dog, H, died
Oct 2008
Adopted our dog, C
Nov 2008
I gave birth to my fourth child, E, born still
March 2009
I was diagnosed with th.y.r.oid ca.nc.er
My mother gave birth to me
March 1996
Adopted our "first baby" - our dog, H
Jan 1998
My husband and I married
Jan 2002
I gave birth to my first child, L
July 2003
Adopted our cats, S & L2
Mar 2004
I gave birth to my second child, O
Sept 2006
I gave birth to my third child, N
Dec 2007
Our "first baby" - our dog, H, died
Oct 2008
Adopted our dog, C
Nov 2008
I gave birth to my fourth child, E, born still
March 2009
I was diagnosed with th.y.r.oid ca.nc.er
My Blog List
Blog Archive
A Small Victory
Please click to help bereaved parents
Have you lost a child to stillbirth?
Helpful Links & Advocacy
- A Small Victory
- Butterfly Haven
- First Candle
- Glow in the Woods
- International Stillbirth Alliance - Research
- Light a Candle
- Lost and Found
- March of Dimes
- My Forever Child
- Office for Prevention of Prematurity and Stillbirths
- SANDS - PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS AWARENESS & SUPPORT
- SHARE - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group
- Silent Grief
- Stepping Stones
- Still No More - News Articles
- Stillbirth Collaborative Research Network
- String of Pearls
- Sue-Ella Signatures
- Sufficient Grace Ministries
- Thomas's Story
- Tommy's
- UK SANDS
My blog map
16 comments:
I get it. You're right - its not fair and it definitely sucks. And I'm just so, so sorry. Yes, cry. Scream if you need to. We're right beside you the whole time.
Much love, dear friend.
OM I'm just so sorry, which is absolutely no help to you whatsoever and sure as hell won't stop the bloody roof leaking! As you say, no matter which way you swing it, it's cancer, and regardless of how "good" is it as cancer, well, it's still cancer. And that's scary stuff. And your precious baby should be with you, and they aren't.
So yeah, being depressed, being devastated. I get that. Totally. Sending you alot of love, and wishing you didn't live in America. xxxx
Last night, I was reading this on the couch, thinking, "Sing your truth, sister." My husband began reading over my shoulder, and he said, "That sucks. Where do they live? I'll fix their roof." Men and women are different. Still, I think we both want to be with you, and do what we can. If it were me, I would just want to cry with you, maybe unfriend some jackasses on facebook with you...but mostly just sit and be depressed with you. Life can be so very cruel.
xoxoxo
SO sorry you are hurting so much.
And especially sorry there's nothing we can do to ease your pain.
Continuing to think of you.
I understand, completely. Please say or do whatever you need, we are here listening and abiding with you. I am so sorry that E isnt here with you, it is not fair, and I am so sorry.
Much love.
So, so sorry. I'm thinking of you. Life totally changes shape after losing a child and it is so tough to navigate and understand. It is so not fair, I feel a lot of the same feelings. I'm here and thinking of you, E, and your family.
Just want you to know that you are in my thoughts. It must be so hard for you right now. Do what your body tells you for now. Did you or are you working with a counselor?
I just wanted to comment on this post and your lost island post too.
First, I believe you were meant to be out in that restaurant to see Guy 2. I am so glad you went up to say "hi." It's stories like that that help me believe in a Higher Power.
Second, I enjoyed your lost island post. I believe we would be friends. I've never lost a child, but I've lost the dream of having more children and it hurts me daily. I am Catholic, yet you won't see me quoting the Bible. Sometimes I struggle with my faith, sometimes it just smacks me in my face. Everything you said in that post helps me believe we could be good friends.
I am so glad you wrote that note to your friend. I am so glad you shared it on here. I think it is healthy to get your thoughts out....whether it be out loud or on a blog. Sometimes I just feel like screaming and I ask myself, "What is stopping you?" Usually it is my location. So I try to find a place where I can have a break down. I haven't had much of a chance to break down in the last few weeks. I feel one coming on tonight. Go ahead and break down too, my friend. We all get it!
Thinking of you,
Sara
Honey, I'm sorry. I wish I could do something to make things better and give you E back, give us our babes back, give everyone their babies back. It's not fair. It sucks.
I find, when I'm really pissed at the world, that I throw things. Nothing important and not anyone, but just a good stress relieving throw.
Sending you a big fat hug.
And I say, sue the prick.
I wish I had a magic potion to take the pain away. Know that I'm thinking about you. (((Hugs)))
Facebook is full of lies covered with smiles. I hear you on that one :)
E should be here with you. And C should be here with me.
My love to you tonight :)
P.s I loved receiving kisses from a 2 year old American kid! How lucky am I! and yes we are currently getting our act together in making the names site a non for profit organization x
Hey sweet girl . . . just checking on you. I get worried when you're quiet for more than a day or two :) I hope everything is going - well, as well as can be expected, I suppose. You have my email - let me know if there's anything I can do.
I think of you often and I'm so sorry that you are hurting so bad and I'm so sorry that life sucks so bad. I it truly does sometimes -I 100% agree! My sister is in jail right now. She has been since last Friday. I can't even bring myself to blog about it. There's too much pain and it's not my story to tell. I've only said the bare minimum on my blog out of respect for her because I know some family reads it. Sometimes I just sit on the couch and stare into space. My house looks awful. I'm late everywhere I have to be. My husband wishes I would snap out of it, but I just can't sometimes. It's awful how a life change change in an instant. How do you find your way back from that to go on? Sometimes reading your blog brings me comfort. You have the guts to just put it all out there -I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Part of me thinks it would make me feel better and some how be able to sort it all out, but then other parts of me wonder if it really would or would I still feel so empty without her here no matter if I wrote about it or not...
I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. All of it. It is so much for one person to endure. I know God must have a plan in it somewhere but isn't it hard to see that when there is so much pain... I have a hard time seeing his plan for my family right now. We are all so broken.
Thinking of you...praying for you...
I understand some of what your going through. My son, born 7 weeks early and is perfect now. My daughter not so much. She was stillborn at 26 weeks due to a cord accident. She SHOULD be here. Then I had a miscarriage, wtf? Are you kidding me. Now I'm going through the big D and don't mean Dallas all because he couldn't deal.
Sometimes I wonder if people believe me that it could get that bad, that people look at you like your the plaque. I understand to a point what your going through. You wanted a baby, you got screwed and got cancer, how is that fair. And now your roof leaks...it's just not fair.
I'm so sorry.
xoxoxoxo
Kelly
I'm so sorry. It's all so hard and seems like one can never catch a breath.
I've included you in the Sisterhood Awards. I don't know who started it, but I thought of you because you always seem to find time to leave a comforting comment. You can get the image off my blog at http://afifthseason.blogspot.com/2009/04/sisterhood-award.html
Here are the rules:
Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.
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