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Despite my imprecision regarding the date, I am happy for Godmother. I'm sure it goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that I feel a lot of other emotions as well. I'm trying to focus on happy. for. her.
She had a girl. Of course she had a girl. Why would she have had a boy? I mean sure, maybe one day her boy and my girl would hook up, marry, and take Godmother and me one step closer to being family. Considering the unlikelihood of that scenario, it's so much more fitting that she had a girl. Just like I did. Our two girls should have been roughly one month apart in age. They could have grown to be friends, more like sisters. Just like Godmother and me.
Today I shopped for Godmother's gift. Godmother always gives the most amazingly perfect gifts. Thus, I felt great responsibility to respond in kind. And maybe a bit above that, without being over the top.
It was definitely difficult shopping for a baby and a new mom, all the while fully realizing that I should have had a nursing baby in tow. I couldn't help but think about E. Granted, I always think about E. But, I'm pretty sure you know what I mean. I stopped myself from buying an Angel of Mine Keepsake Box from Willow Tree, with "So loved, so very loved" inscribed inside. I'm not entirely comfortable with 'cute' or 'precious' collectibles. And, I don't like referring to E as an 'angel.' The main reason I didn't get it is that I didn't know what I'd put inside it. It's not very big. I couldn't fit pictures or a blanket inside it. Maybe one day, after I organize all of E's mementos, I'll buy that box. I like it.
So, onto what I got Godmother.
For the baby, I got a boatload of items for an 'emergency kit': infant ibuprofen, infant acetaminophen, gas relieving drops, nail clippers, Little Noses saline and an aspirator, Lansinoh, Boudreaux's Butt Paste, and Baby Orajel. To store the items, I bought a clear plastic container which I'll decorate with hand-drawn coordinating art from the baby's nursery bedding.
For Godmother's stepchildren, I bought a ton of candy, each item wrapped in pink (including a pink bubblegum 'It's a girl' cigar for each child).
For Godmother, I bought a Willow Tree Friendship Keepsake box. The message inside the box says, "Forever True, Forever Friends." I will write a card to Godmother, telling her how I wish our babies could grow up together. But, mainly I will thank her for always being there for me. It had to be scary for her when I lost E. E was my fourth baby. There was no reason to suspect I'd lose her. Godmother was pregnant for the first time when I lost E. She could have walked away from me, shielding herself from the pain and fear. But, she didn't and she hasn't. She always stayed true to our friendship. I can only hope to do the same for her.
24 comments:
It is so tough to go through new experiences without our babies when they SHOULD be here with us. I am sorry that you will always remember your baby should be around the same age as this new little one. You did a great job getting a gift for her and you sound very supportive. I'm not sure I would be that strong.
Those gifts sound perfect. I am not much an angel person myself, but those Willow Tree items are lovely. The box for Fairy Godmother is beautiful. When I had my first, I loved those gifts that were practical things. Like those Mylicon drops. Not sure if they worked, but it seemed like it to me, and I would never have gotten those if someone hadn't gifted them to me at my shower. Sending you much love...XO
You are an amazing friend! I think you picked out the perfect gifts.
I have a hard time with angels too. Many people have given me angel items since Ellie's death but I've never used or worn any of them. I guess for me - I like to think of her as a real baby - not something ethereal.
How very beautiful and kind of you... While it is clear how lucky you feel for FGs friendship, she, too, is very lucky for yours.
Shopping is never easy. But, I think at some point, we end up having to do it. And it sucks that we do it without the infant carriers, strollers, and slings that should be in the pictures, holding babies that should still be alive.
I have to admit, I'm a Willow Tree aholic. I always hated stuff like that, but now... They are all over the house.
It sounds perfect. I can't imagine how difficult that shopping trip was. My best friend is due in June with her second and I'm selfishly kind of dreading it. She's having a boy, who should have grown up to marry my little girl . . . anyway.
And, fwiw, I don't refer to them as angels either. For one, from a biblical perspective, I don't believe that people die to become angles - I think its pretty clear that angles are and always have been, and are separate and distinct from our loved ones. I do, however, enjoy the thought of our babies wrapped safe in the arms of angles. . . or perhaps all running on a playground together with the angles watching over them :)
I'm proud of you, and hope Godmother enjoyes her goodies.
You are SO, SO strong. How you mustered the courage to do this is amazing. You should really give yourself a big pat on the back and a huge glass of wine (or several) after giving this gift.
I am glad she has been able to be supportive. The gifts are really lovely. And, I'm just so sorry that both of your girls (hers and yours) won't grow up together.
Agree with Bluebird on the angels. I love thinking of my sweet boy wrapped in the safe arms of angels.
Wow, I am so impressed. Your kindness really shows. I know how hard it is to maintain a friendship always thinking of what should have been and wishing it had turned out differently. A good friend of mine delivered her baby girl 19 days after my due date in December. We should have been raising our girls together. It was difficult for me to be around the baby at first, but it has gotten easier over time. I see them a few times a week. Just like you, my friend was amazingly supportive through my loss and I couldn't see losing her as a friend for something she had no control over. That said, I admire your strength and generosity. Even with the best of friends, it's still incredibly hard.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start living!!! You need to pick yourself up and brush yourself off and move on. I have never lost a child but for heaven sakes you have "three" other children who need to have their mother back! I have ONE amazing daughter through adoption and would have given anything to of had more children but was BLESSED with an only child because of a birth mother who was unselfish and gave her up for adoption and I am the luckiest mother to have been given such a wonderful gift "A LIFE". I too have been touched by "pre" cancer(but was caught in time)
Please get help to get you through this and start by thanking God for the wonderful children you have!
Take care of yourself so you can be a good mother and wife.
Dear Anonymous,
Fuck you.
Sincerely,
OM
Uh, I was about to leave a different comment til I got to the bottom...
I second the FUCK YOU.
OM, sending you love.
Dear Mommy (you can call me OM), No child is replaceable, you have a right to grieve the death of your child. Having living children does not mean you may not weep for the one who is dead. Grief is a natural and normal and LOVING response to the death of a loved one. You don't need help, you need our love and compassion. You don't need a sermon, lesson, or poor interpretation of what "God" says you should do. You need love and others to hold you as you figure out how to live in a world with a dead child and parent your living children--and grieving the loss of a child does not mean that you lack the ability to feel blessed and grateful for the all your children--including the ones who live.
As usual, the "insensitives" the ones who don't get it, the ones whose hearts are as small as the Grinch, and the ones who have this uncanny ability to misunderstand how to show God's love, have posted anonymously. Well, I forgive you for not understanding, but shame you for sending more hurt to one who grieves.
It's so difficult when life just seems to "carry on" when ours seems to have stopped for so long. It sounds like you have handled this hurdle with dignity and grace. The gifts are perfect. I have a collection of Willow Tree figurines myself.. they say so much.
Strength to you.
I have just started reading through your journey. I am so sorry you are living this with us. We lost our Nicholas in November also.... so hard.
Thinking of you, your family and especially baby E.... xo
Oh ya... and Anonomys - I second the F YOU!
What wonderful gifts! :)
AHHHHH! Annonymous, please keep your comments to yourself. My blood pressure is rising as we speak. Each child is a unique gift, and grieving those we have lost is both necessary and vital.
On to the reason I came in the first place ... OM, I am so proud of you and your shopping trip. The gifts sounds wonderful. I had a friend who had a baby girl the day after Avery and Sophie were due - it was the toughest thing to do. I remember clearly bawling while walking through the store.
I will be thinking about you as you continue to work through the joy and pain surrounding this new little one. Take your time ...
What a wonderful, thoughtful friend you are. I'm sure there were a range of emotions. My dearest friend and I were both expecting and enjoying sharing our pregnancies together when I lost my twin daughters (Faith and Grace), who were born still between 26 and 27 weeks. When my friend had her baby, my mother encouraged me to go to the hospital and to shop for a gift. I was still in the thick of my grief, but Ginny had so lovingly set her life aside to walk with me through my loss and grief, how could I not share in her joy. There were so many emotions. Happy for her, aching for my own emptiness...for all of the should'ves...
Our lives are forever changed and touched by these losses. Your grief is still so fresh and raw. And...now you are facing cancer, the loss of a grandparent...grief heaped upon grief. I will definitely pray for you...for strength, healing, comfort and sufficient grace for every step on this journey filled with so much struggle...
In His Grace,
Kelly Gerken
Sufficient Grace Ministries
P.S. Love Willow Tree...good choice.
Ok, so I had something to say to you, but currently can not remember it because of idiot anonymous.
First of all my dear friend, you KNOW that I love you!!! I am so proud of you for staying strong and brave.
Anonymous, you are nothing more than a coward. The fact that you can be so malicious and then mention God...it's disgusting. The fact that you have never buried a child means you have no right to discuss the matter. Are you really so ignorant as to believe that one child could replace another? It is obvious you are too wrapped up in your own pain to step outside of yourself for even a moment to think of others.
And no anonymous, you are not worth the energy it took to type this, but my dear friend is.
Oh, the drive by anonymous comments are so infuriating. And dumb. Please shake it off and chalk it up to a small mind!
And the gifts are lovely. That was very brave and nice of you to do it. I am sure she will be very touched as I am sure she will know how painful it was for you to do that.
Wow. Um, sorry I commented early and missed all the "fun"! I hope you shook off the idiot comment as well as your response suggests :) I always wonder why people like that even bother reading, you know? Do people just *search out* blogs to blast when they get bored, and are like, "hey! Let's google 'dead babies'!" Just doesn't make sense to me. . .
Anyway, hope Godmother and her little ones enjoyed their goodies.
All I can do is send you all my love.
You are such a beautiful friend. Everyone is lucky and blessed to have you x
Anon must be a child pretending to be an adult. No REAL mother would ever talk to another mother that way. What a load of crap.
Your gifts were beautiful and so thoughtful. What a wonderful friendship you share with Godmother. You must both be remarkable ladies, indeed.
xxoo
Oh, OM, i'm so sorry that jackasses exist in this universe, and cowardly post anonymous comments. just wanted to send you an extra burst of love and support after reading that nonsense.
(i wrote and deleted some of the foulest language i could muster.)
If you have never lost a child you have no grounds to tell a baby lost mama how she should feel. No matter if you have 2 living children or 12, they do not replace the child you carried, the child you lost, the child that was a part of your body.
SO whom ever you are- unless you have lost a child- shut the fuck up about how someone 'should' feel or what someone 'should' do. Fuck off!
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