The Walk

Thank you all for your encouraging and supportive words throughout this first major milestone, E's due date. It means so much to me knowing that others, who have traveled this road of grief, think about me and pray for me.

Even though my first ultrasound calculated E's due date as today, I always thought of her as a St. Patrick's Day baby -- the day I calculated. Thus, I think most of my anxiety has passed. Although, we all know we're never completely out of the woods while we travel through grief.

After my husband left with the other children yesterday, I flipped around in bed until my mom called. She was mainly calling about my appointment tomorrow. Because of that, she approached the conversation with gentleness and empathy (which isn't always the case with my mom). Oftentimes, I'll close myself off from her because she tends to compete with me for just about anything (i.e., if I have a cold, she has 'pneumonia'; if I'm stressed, she's about to have a 'nervous breakdown' -- you get the idea). She actually asked me if I was "not feeling well, down in the dumps, or nervous . . . or all three." I completely broke down and incoherently sputtered, "It's all three. Today is E's due date. And nobody ever talks about her. And I just want her. I just want my baby. And this thyroid thing might have killed her. I just want her."

After talking to my mom a bit longer, I took our dog, C, for a walk. I wasn't sure which direction I was headed, but I ended up at the cemetery where E is buried. I walked over to her unmarked burial site and talked to her for some time. I told her that I know she's in good care and that H, our dog who died ten months before E, was fortunate to have E as a playmate. I picture E with blond curls, happily throwing sticks into a stream for H. I know of nothing in my religion that confirms that animals go to Heaven, but I cannot imagine another scenario. H's spirit held me so often during her life, that I am certain her spirit is now with E. This brings me comfort.

After praying at E's grave site, I asked her to walk with me and C to research ideas for E's gravestone. We plan to move E out of the 'baby area' and into a yet to be selected family plot. It was nearly dark when C, E, and I made our way home. Even though I didn't celebrate E's due date, I do feel I honored her and held her close in my heart.