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Would we be friends? If you and I met in real life, would we be friends? If the only common bond we share is that we lost our own flesh and blood, that our babies died, would we be friends?
Would my dirty house, my incessant whining, my perfectionism (my house is either really dirty or really clean), my need to be right, my sarcasm, and my short fuse push you away?
Or would I charm you with my quick wit (it appears every so often), my need to please, my true grit, and my love for nature, animals, and children (mostly my own) win you over?
Maybe our political, religious, socio-economical, educational, philosophical, spiritual, racial differences would present a divide too vast to ever really traverse.
Maybe you'll see me as too Catholic (we usually make it every Sunday and even pass out donuts sometimes), not Christian enough (I'm hard pressed quoting the Bible), too wayward in my desire for wine and coffee, too earthy (I mostly adhere to an attachment parenting style and I don't eat beef or pork and I love yoga), not earthy enough (I try to shower on a regular basis and I don't always buy organic and I do eat seafood, chicken, and turkey), or too Midwestern (yah, Margie).
Maybe you'll despise me because I attended school seemingly forever (BA; MS; JD) and I seem like a bitch (but, first look at the boatload of loans yet to be paid -- daddy (oh, yeah he left when I was one year old) didn't give out any free rides). Or, maybe you'll despise me because even though I attended school seemingly forever, I now couldn't tell you the difference between a TRO and an OT because I've been home with my children for nearly as long as I attended school.
Maybe you'll hate me because I do have living children. Maybe you'll think I should be more grateful, more pleasant, more patient, just more motherly.
I fantasize about a life with all of you, other baby lost mamas, where we just allow each other to be. Would it really work? Or would alliances form, allegiances be made, and all hell break loose? I hope not. It's a nice fantasy. I sort of fear meeting any of you in real life because I cannot allow my happy place, the baby lost mama island, to self-destruct.
I began the layout for this blog in April 2008. I planned on blogging about life as an educated, intentionally unemployed stay-at-home mom. I never wrote a word. In November 2008, my fourth child was born still. Because I lost my precious baby girl, my blog specifically evolved into: life after losing a child to stillbirth. P.S. Four months later, add cancer to the subject matter.
About Me
- Mommy (You can call me OM)
- Stay-at-Home Mommy; Wife; Attachment Parenting Follower; Animal Lover; Daughter; Sister; Catholic; Yogi; Lawyer (according to the Bar Examiners, anyhow!); Perfectionist who can't even come up with a satisfactory description because it just MIGHT have an error
Life Events
Feb 1973
My mother gave birth to me
March 1996
Adopted our "first baby" - our dog, H
Jan 1998
My husband and I married
Jan 2002
I gave birth to my first child, L
July 2003
Adopted our cats, S & L2
Mar 2004
I gave birth to my second child, O
Sept 2006
I gave birth to my third child, N
Dec 2007
Our "first baby" - our dog, H, died
Oct 2008
Adopted our dog, C
Nov 2008
I gave birth to my fourth child, E, born still
March 2009
I was diagnosed with th.y.r.oid ca.nc.er
My mother gave birth to me
March 1996
Adopted our "first baby" - our dog, H
Jan 1998
My husband and I married
Jan 2002
I gave birth to my first child, L
July 2003
Adopted our cats, S & L2
Mar 2004
I gave birth to my second child, O
Sept 2006
I gave birth to my third child, N
Dec 2007
Our "first baby" - our dog, H, died
Oct 2008
Adopted our dog, C
Nov 2008
I gave birth to my fourth child, E, born still
March 2009
I was diagnosed with th.y.r.oid ca.nc.er
My Blog List
Blog Archive
A Small Victory
Please click to help bereaved parents
Have you lost a child to stillbirth?
Helpful Links & Advocacy
- A Small Victory
- Butterfly Haven
- First Candle
- Glow in the Woods
- International Stillbirth Alliance - Research
- Light a Candle
- Lost and Found
- March of Dimes
- My Forever Child
- Office for Prevention of Prematurity and Stillbirths
- SANDS - PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS AWARENESS & SUPPORT
- SHARE - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group
- Silent Grief
- Stepping Stones
- Still No More - News Articles
- Stillbirth Collaborative Research Network
- String of Pearls
- Sue-Ella Signatures
- Sufficient Grace Ministries
- Thomas's Story
- Tommy's
- UK SANDS
My blog map
10 comments:
I love you already. We're too Catholic (have I mentioned that I live at church?), not Catholic enough (that I write on comparative religions and, scandle, participate in open circles sometimes!), that were (mostly) vegetarian (although during pregnancy I eat meat, so I PETA has thrown me out) but not healthy enough (I'm a little plumper than I was when I got married).
I'd love to think that we'd have more to talk about that just our love of our children and our grief that some of them are not with us in this world. If you could get over my usually dusty house and my love of argumentative conversation, I could overlook your so-called bitchy exterior and OCD clean house. :)
OM- you know you are right up my ally! I do think we would all get along great. Sometimes a common thread can unravel you at the seams, but I think OUR common thread binds us tighter than most could ever understand. Just the fact that you get it, you REALLY get it, when no one else does.
Some days I imagine all of our lost babies playing together in heaven (I am not as Catholic as I should be I know), I truly believe that God has sent us each other, to hold one another's hand as we travel on this dark journey in our soul. XOXOX hugs
I like to believe that we are, and would continue to be friends.
Maybe I would be too Mormon, not Mormon enough, too Christian, not Christian enough. Maybe you would think I say shit too often, along with jackass and bite me. Maybe because I am from Mississippi, you would immediately think I am a redneck racist? Maybe because my brother-in-law is black, you would think I say that happily, only to prove I'm not racist? Maybe you would disapprove of the fact that I love a good steak or rack of ribs. What about the fact that I love every kind of music...from gospel to some not so nice hip-hop. Same with books, I like so many different kinds..the thought-provoking as well as some fluff. Maybe this means I am a fence-sitter, and you will hate me for that. I am also a registered Independent...uh-oh, that could make a lot of people aggravated, depending on which side of the aisle they are on....
See, we could do this forever.
I believe that our common bond, (even if it is the only one we have)is so deep, so tremendous, it has the power to supercede any differences we may have. It allows us to know the depths of one another's soul and find more common ground to stand on...maybe even ground that is beyond the "island".
It is often difficult to find the good in our excrutiating losses. But for me, friendship with women I may or may not ever meet is something I consider to be a great blessing.
I have a fantasy of living in a community of only babylost parents...I think we'd find a way to all get along - despite any differences, the bonds are just too deep.
I think it would be more like we were family than friends, even though our differences might annoy us at times, we still love and support each other. I have a feeling I would be that weirdo cousin that seems to always bring the conversation around to Nixon or some obscure religion I once read about, but who you might want on your Trivial Pursuit team.
i love you and just know that we are and will continue to be fast friends and kindred spirits. i feel like you get me and i understand you from your writings. please be gentle on yourself, i know, easier said than done. hope you have a great day, wish we lived closer so that we could share a cup of coffee and comiserate together.
I think we'd be friends :)
I like the way Angie said it - more like family rather than friends. I am friends with some of my family - my mom and my sister are my best friends. But not all of my family! But we love and support each other - and spend holidays together! - nonetheless.
There are certain people I feel more connected with - more like friends. But everyone is family, for sure.
This made me smile today - a babylost mama island :), I too tend to think that our bond is much greater than the things that would tear us apart ... so often I wished I lived close to even just one, just to be able to sit down with someone who understands.
You post had my giggling. I love the way you're totally honest and don't sugar coat your feelings. When you lose a child, a lot of times the friends you make at support groups become closer than your regular friends. There's just a very deep connection, and I do believe our children are sprirts that help the parents to connect to one another. BTW, I hope you're feeling better soon :-)
~Sue~
(not Catholic enough)
OM---
When reading your post, I thought of the many times I've had conversatoins with parents at the playground or at my daughter's gym. Often times the only thing I know that I have in common with these people are the fact that our children are playing "together." Thus, isn't it appropriate that even children who aren't with us here on Earth, still help us to connect to others?
Please stop by my blog sometime when you get the chance. I'm nominating you for a Lemonade Award. I so appreciate your writing style.
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