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I'm a bad mom. I have three living children, but I don't currently live in the land of the living. It exasperates me. My children, who are living, are 7, 4, and 2. I love them dearly. But, I'm hiding. I'm hiding from life. I'm holed up in my room as my husband attempts to keep some sort of peace and quiet, for my benefit. I'm a walking time bomb waiting to explode at the littlest inconvenience. Unfortunately, for my children, the inconvenience is typically a sound, a request, a whine, a protest, a physical movement made by them.
I should simply be grateful for my three LIVING children. I know many who struggle so much to birth one living child. But, the fact remains that E died. I loved her as much as I love my other three. I just don't know how to live anymore. I love my baby and I cannot hold her.
I think my second period is on its way. I finally stopped spotting about a week or so ago. Now, I'm feeling crampy and bitchy again. God help me. God help my children. All of them.
I began the layout for this blog in April 2008. I planned on blogging about life as an educated, intentionally unemployed stay-at-home mom. I never wrote a word. In November 2008, my fourth child was born still. Because I lost my precious baby girl, my blog specifically evolved into: life after losing a child to stillbirth. P.S. Four months later, add cancer to the subject matter.
About Me
- Mommy (You can call me OM)
- Stay-at-Home Mommy; Wife; Attachment Parenting Follower; Animal Lover; Daughter; Sister; Catholic; Yogi; Lawyer (according to the Bar Examiners, anyhow!); Perfectionist who can't even come up with a satisfactory description because it just MIGHT have an error
Life Events
Feb 1973
My mother gave birth to me
March 1996
Adopted our "first baby" - our dog, H
Jan 1998
My husband and I married
Jan 2002
I gave birth to my first child, L
July 2003
Adopted our cats, S & L2
Mar 2004
I gave birth to my second child, O
Sept 2006
I gave birth to my third child, N
Dec 2007
Our "first baby" - our dog, H, died
Oct 2008
Adopted our dog, C
Nov 2008
I gave birth to my fourth child, E, born still
March 2009
I was diagnosed with th.y.r.oid ca.nc.er
My mother gave birth to me
March 1996
Adopted our "first baby" - our dog, H
Jan 1998
My husband and I married
Jan 2002
I gave birth to my first child, L
July 2003
Adopted our cats, S & L2
Mar 2004
I gave birth to my second child, O
Sept 2006
I gave birth to my third child, N
Dec 2007
Our "first baby" - our dog, H, died
Oct 2008
Adopted our dog, C
Nov 2008
I gave birth to my fourth child, E, born still
March 2009
I was diagnosed with th.y.r.oid ca.nc.er
My Blog List
Blog Archive
A Small Victory
Please click to help bereaved parents
Have you lost a child to stillbirth?
Helpful Links & Advocacy
- A Small Victory
- Butterfly Haven
- First Candle
- Glow in the Woods
- International Stillbirth Alliance - Research
- Light a Candle
- Lost and Found
- March of Dimes
- My Forever Child
- Office for Prevention of Prematurity and Stillbirths
- SANDS - PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS AWARENESS & SUPPORT
- SHARE - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group
- Silent Grief
- Stepping Stones
- Still No More - News Articles
- Stillbirth Collaborative Research Network
- String of Pearls
- Sue-Ella Signatures
- Sufficient Grace Ministries
- Thomas's Story
- Tommy's
- UK SANDS
My blog map
7 comments:
you are not a bad mom. you are not a awful friend. you are hurting. i do wonder if counseling might be an option -- maybe you are already doing that, but it would be a good place to maybe start...
I haven't seriously looked into counseling yet. I've been wanting to go to a perinatal loss support group, but they've cut back on the meeting frequency and I don't think another one meets until March. Thank you for the suggestion. I'll begin looking more seriously into other groups for now.
I just found your blog and wanted to say "hi." Isn't part of the point of blogging to get support from others who can relate?? On November 12, 2008 we lost our precious twins at 20 weeks. I'm so sorry for your loss.
You are not a bad Mom, it is very difficult to lose one. It is very difficult to move in the world when your world has just stopped abruptly.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I found your blog through LFCA. I hope that you find blogging a release for all the emotions you must be feeling.
OM - I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious little girl, E. Our E, Emma, died eight years ago - stillborn. Although our situations are revearsed (she was my first - not my fourth) I know exactly what you are talking about. How it takes effort, real work to live in the moment and not search for answers to unanswerable questions.
We have to gorgeous girls now. Bear is 6 and The Comedian is 4. I write at http://buildingheavenlybridges.blogspot.com about my grief and loss, even as it relates to my daily life 8 years later.
I plan on reading your story from the start. Please feel free to click over whenever you need. I'll always respond.
I wish we lived closer. I just started a Share support group in my area.
Just wanted to send my love to you.
I am sorry that you are feeling so terrible.
I know how you feel.
Wishing you peace
x
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