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I'm feeling a bit under the gun. Not in a bad way. I just don't know if I can handle the responsibility of educating y'all about Job. I know. I know you don't actually expect me to do that. You just want my viewpoint, right? I'm working on it. But, first I need to read the actual Book of Job. Not the wikipedia version. I'd feel horrible analyzing some Internet version of what might be one of the most complex biblical writings.
In other news - I feel fearfully paralyzed as E's actual due date approaches. It was March 17 or 18 (my calculations predicted a St. Patrick's Day baby; my first ultrasound predicted a day later). My second child, O, was 2.5 weeks early. Thus, I feel that I could have and should have held my sweet, healthy baby girl for the first time anytime from late February until mid-March. It's just so sad.
My pregnancy with E was planned. We wanted another baby. I still do. But, I want E. While the urge to try for another baby is incredibly strong, I want to be absolutely certain that I know in every fiber of my being that the next baby will not be E. The next baby will not replace E. My grief for E will not disappear with the next baby's cries of life. God, I want my baby.
I began the layout for this blog in April 2008. I planned on blogging about life as an educated, intentionally unemployed stay-at-home mom. I never wrote a word. In November 2008, my fourth child was born still. Because I lost my precious baby girl, my blog specifically evolved into: life after losing a child to stillbirth. P.S. Four months later, add cancer to the subject matter.
About Me
- Mommy (You can call me OM)
- Stay-at-Home Mommy; Wife; Attachment Parenting Follower; Animal Lover; Daughter; Sister; Catholic; Yogi; Lawyer (according to the Bar Examiners, anyhow!); Perfectionist who can't even come up with a satisfactory description because it just MIGHT have an error
Life Events
Feb 1973
My mother gave birth to me
March 1996
Adopted our "first baby" - our dog, H
Jan 1998
My husband and I married
Jan 2002
I gave birth to my first child, L
July 2003
Adopted our cats, S & L2
Mar 2004
I gave birth to my second child, O
Sept 2006
I gave birth to my third child, N
Dec 2007
Our "first baby" - our dog, H, died
Oct 2008
Adopted our dog, C
Nov 2008
I gave birth to my fourth child, E, born still
March 2009
I was diagnosed with th.y.r.oid ca.nc.er
My mother gave birth to me
March 1996
Adopted our "first baby" - our dog, H
Jan 1998
My husband and I married
Jan 2002
I gave birth to my first child, L
July 2003
Adopted our cats, S & L2
Mar 2004
I gave birth to my second child, O
Sept 2006
I gave birth to my third child, N
Dec 2007
Our "first baby" - our dog, H, died
Oct 2008
Adopted our dog, C
Nov 2008
I gave birth to my fourth child, E, born still
March 2009
I was diagnosed with th.y.r.oid ca.nc.er
My Blog List
Blog Archive
A Small Victory
Please click to help bereaved parents
Have you lost a child to stillbirth?
Helpful Links & Advocacy
- A Small Victory
- Butterfly Haven
- First Candle
- Glow in the Woods
- International Stillbirth Alliance - Research
- Light a Candle
- Lost and Found
- March of Dimes
- My Forever Child
- Office for Prevention of Prematurity and Stillbirths
- SANDS - PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS AWARENESS & SUPPORT
- SHARE - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group
- Silent Grief
- Stepping Stones
- Still No More - News Articles
- Stillbirth Collaborative Research Network
- String of Pearls
- Sue-Ella Signatures
- Sufficient Grace Ministries
- Thomas's Story
- Tommy's
- UK SANDS
My blog map
3 comments:
My heart so breaks for you. And I know there are just no words to say that truly help. There was a song that used to help me greatly. It hung it on fridge for a long time. It's called Fly by Celine Dion. Sometimes reading the lyrics would give me a sense of peace in my sorrow.
I'm excited you are reading Job. I've always wanted to understand that book better. I can't wait to hear your insights as you read.
I'll be praying for you. God Bless.
It's so hard... When we were thinking about having another baby after Nick and Sophie, I remember thinking "But I want them... I want our twins back." But getting pregnant again... Those feelings changed. I still wanted them back, no doubt- every second of every day- but the new baby... That baby captured my heart and soul, too. And they are different.
I think, at some point, you'll know. Sometimes it happens right away, other times years, other times never. But you'll know when/if the time is right to try again.
I'm sorry for the pain you are enduring. If I could hug you, I would. Sending lots of love your way.
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