Garage Sale

I've been wanting to post over the last few days, yet I just don't know what to say. I might soon delve into a lot of my thoughts and experiences before and after losing E. I cannot do that today. Someday.

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I feel that I'm not spinning my wheels as much as I was two weeks ago. I suppose it's more like I'm stuck in slippery mud versus the tar burning mess I was in before. I still haven't gone to counseling. I know it's my avoidance, procrastination, etc., etc. When I start unloading my life onto the bag boy at the grocery store, that's a pretty clear indicator it's time to find a counselor. See, I don't want to unload it all onto my husband, my friends, or even you guys. So, I choose the bag boy. He's probably 12.

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I've committed to a garage sale the last weekend in July. The commitment is to myself and to my husband, who hates garage sales. He wanted me to pin down a date and get it done. So, I went through years of children's clothing last weekend. It was emotional, to say the least. I held onto clothing for N that L had worn and that I still like. I also held onto two boxes full of clothes that I called 'keepsake' clothes. They're not necessarily special in the sense that they are expensive or classic or would make a nice heirloom. They are keepsakes to me because when I look at them, I not only see my babies wearing them but I can see and feel my babies. I can visualize where we were when they wore those clothes and what we did. No grand adventures. Just life. And memories.

I was a babbling mess of tears after I went through boxes all day Sunday. I know I would have felt that way even if E had lived. But, the sorrow somehow magnifies because she isn't here. And O starts kindergarten this year (I bawled about that too). And I just want a baby. I want E. If I cannot have E, I still want a baby. I had to look at all those clothes and wonder if I should hang onto the ones N has outgrown. Will there ever be a use for them? I ended up getting rid of most of the 'baby' clothes other than my keepsakes because I reasoned that if we are one day given the gift of another baby, N will be at least 3 1/2 years older than the baby. The clothes will be outdated and yellowed.

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I go in for another TSH blood test on Friday. I'm actually hoping my TSH is still too high because it would make me feel better about my lack of energy and the depression. I don't know if that makes any sense to anybody but me.