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I read Little Bluebirds Fly today, which led me to Glow in the Woods.
Ironically, I already covered the obvious whinceable yesterday - "How Many Children Do You Have?" The question posed by Glow in the Woods today is, what are your (less obvious) whinceables? I don't know that I have less obvious whinceables. Mine are glaringly obvious - at least to me. So, here goes (obvious or not):
- While at Gap tonight to pick up something cute for L's non-uniform day tomorrow, I came across baby shirts with astrological signs printed on the front. Incredibly cute. N had one like it. E will not.
- When people look at N (she's two) and say, "You're such a big girl. You're not a baby anymore." Considering I lost E, I'm holding onto and milking N's babyhood as long as I can. Don't take that from me.
- When the mom in my community ed class complains about how nursing her weeks-old baby was so inconvenient and she hated pumping/engorgement, so she switched to formula. But, the formula bothered the baby. So, she suffered yet another inconvenience when she had to go buy soy formula. Damn baby. (Seriously, why did she have a baby?) I dream of nursing E.
- When people (especially family) fail to ask how I'm doing or bother to talk about E. If I'm not constantly crying, I must be over it, right?
- When the other moms in my community ed class fawn over the pregnant woman in our class who is having her fourth. ("Oh my god. You're having a fourth. Wow. I worship you.") E was my fourth.
- When I received a "save the date" email for my daughter's godmother's baby shower. Surprise baby shower. To take place the week E was due.
- When the friend I hadn't seen in a while (and had just learned about E), said "Well, then maybe it was a blessing" when I said I loved winter after she complained about the season. Not sure what weather preference has to do with losing my baby.
- When a lifelong friend, weeks after I lost E, sent a card with one written phrase: "Sorry for your miscarriage." When I ran into said friend a week later and she excitedly, smilingly said, "Hi! How are you? Wow! Haven't seen you forever." (Did I mention that said friend lost her brother to suicide? I send her cards and I call her every anniversary of his death. For the past 20 years.)
- When people point out that E wasn't full term. Hmmm. I gave birth to her. I named her. I held her. I buried her. She was and always will be my baby.
- When people point out "You have three healthy children." Yes. I do. I thank God for that everyday. But, thank you for adding to my grief by implying that I don't cherish my living children because I grieve for the one I lost.
Perhaps I'll add more later. There's certainly no shortage of whinceables.
Note: I don't like the flower bullets. Why can't I just have real bullets blogger?
3 comments:
I hear you. On so many of those. I so tire of hearing people complain about their babies, how inconvenient they are. Or worse, when pregnant, how they just can't wait to have it over with. If I have to swallow, "Well, maybe you just aren't supposed to have any "real" children" one more time, I think I might kill someone. "Real" Are you freaking kidding me? What's more real that carrying, giving birth to, and holding for those few precious moments on earth, the children you would give every moment for? What's more real that watching that beautiful spark of life drift away and holding their lifeless bodies in your arms for hours until you finally realize you have to let the physical part of them go? What's more real than saying goodbye before a funeral director cremates your tiny baby? And, more so, doing it three times. If there is something more real, I dont want to know.
I just read your comment on my blog about FOCA. It makes me so sick. And, what's almost worse, I think, is when people just lower their eyes with that "I cant make a difference" attitude.
I was moved by your post tonight. I have been blessed with nine children but only able to get to know seven of them. I too, lost a baby in November. But I guess since I already have seven, people, family, and friends don't think I deserve to grieve. It's 3 months later, and I don't think I've made it through a day without thinking about what's missing, what won't be there in May... Take care overeducated Mommy. Maybe our babes are together too...
My heart goes out to you. There are never the right words to say are there? I lost a baby into my fourth month. He would have been five this year. I think of him often and in my heart celebrate his birthday each year. He will always be my little one too and I will always be his Mommy. I know we will meet again one day in Heaven. You will be in my prayers and thoughts.
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